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To those of you following this blog (OKCinspector), but not Inspecting Cupid (where all my writing actually takes place):
Please follow Inspecting Cupid, the internet’s number one source for OKCupid profile analysis.
If you only follow this blog (OKCinspector), you are missing out on The Honey Badger, Vittles, and Xerxes, not to mention several other entertaining characters.
Thanks again for reading.
User basics: Male, 30, Sagittarius, Canadian, video game developer, trying to quit smoking, possesses one of the most ridiculous OKCupid usernames of all time
First impression: What’s the username you ask? Well, the first part is a word that rhymes with “slit” and is commonly associated with female sexual pleasure, and the second part is the word “ninja.” Urban dictionary gives three(!) definitions for the phrase depending on how it’s punctuated (NB: These definitions are not ours. We are only the messenger. Do not shoot the messenger.):
So, you see, this guy means business (and probably envisions himself as some mix of definitions 1 and 3). I would make a comment about how tacky that username is, but hopefully we’re beyond that at this point.
Sometimes straightforward is a pretty cool hand: (My self-summary) “Coder, Hardware, Electrical Enginerd, Gamer, Business owner. What else? I work very hard. I’m ambitious, and i’m not looking to waste my life. I’m pragmatic, adult and straightforward. I am also respectful of people. I don’t like being rude to people or lead them on. I’m straightforward, you will always know where i’m coming from. I just recently moved back to Canada from Cyprus (1 month ago). Still getting my life organized after the move. I can be sarcastic….”
Analysis: Funny. One would expect a ninja to be stealthy and difficult to track, not straightforward (or at least not so straightforward that the quality need be mentioned twice in four sentences).
Also, does anyone else find it a little unsettling that he goes out of his way to point out that he doesn’t like being rude or leading people on? One of those classic cases of someone who envisions himself the victim of being led on (you know, when the petite brunette at the Moosehead Tavern looked at him for 0.35 seconds and then refused to give him her number after he spilled a Jaeger Bomb on her), or someone who has been accused constantly of behaving otherwise. And does his not “liking” to do those things mean that he doesn’t do them, or that he does, though he doesn’t really enjoy it?
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Occasionally Antarctic: (What I’m doing with my life) “I’m a business owner and hard worker. I’m a game developer. I travel a LOT, mostly transatlantic”
Analysis: “I’m looking for a booty call who doesn’t mind that after we do it I will play Call of Duty: Black Ops for five straight hours, shouting at the TV whenever my guy gets blown up.”
I will make you brownies, then go play some more Call of Duty: (I’m really good at) “Cooking, Baking, Programming, Gaming,Fixing most things.”
Analysis: “I am actually the Peculiar Purple Pieman from Porcupine Peak.”
Well-adjusted, until I start confusing life with Call of Duty, which happens once, maybe twice, a day, tops: (The first things people usually notice about me) “I’m a well adjusted, very social nerd. I go off on my own tangents and sometimes get lost in my head/thoughts - mostly technical, but i always snap out of it.”
Analysis: If it’s something you have to frequently “snap out of,” it’s more than likely a very serious mental illness, and that’s nothing to be ashamed of. Even ninjas face such issues from time to time. Though I don’t know much about the psychiatric community in Ontario, if you’re willing to fly down to Los Angeles, I have plenty of associates in the field who would love to take your money.
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You know, when the killer wears a bikini: (Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food) “I read ebooks. I’m into metal, classical, electronic. I love food, i love to cook and bake. From slow cooker to BBQ, bread to cakes. If i haven’t made it before, i will at least make it edible :) I like all food that’s prepared well. No bland or overspiced food. I like scifi, comedy, some horror (not summer-movie horror). Some dramas like Dexter, etc.”
Analysis: Reminiscent of the girl who said she liked black and white movies, but one thousand times worse, the ninja tells us that he enjoys ebooks. And that’s that. Imagine if he said his favorite music was MP3s, or his favorite food was on a plate. How ridiculous would that sound? That’s how ridiculous his ebooks answer is, and for that, I’m taking away his title of “ninja.”
(Also, what the hell is “summer-movie” horror?) 
Dear National Intellectual Property Rights Coordination Center: (The six things I could never do without) “Computer, My kitchen, Scifi, Games, Friends, .torrent”
Analysis: Attention, everyone — “.torrent” refers to BitTorrent files, which are almost invariably used for illegally downloading music, movies, and TV programs. The Clit Ninja steals media. Sure, so do millions of other people, but I have to say that I’m very disappointed that anyone who’d describe himself as a ninja would be so brash about announcing his thieving ways on a website.
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Isn’t the “work” redundant here?: (I spend a lot of time thinking about) “Math, Politics, Computers, Games and work.”
Analysis: He forgot to mention sex. Or was he being stealth there? Ninjas can be so confusing.
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It’s Saturday night when I go nuts: (On a typical Friday night I am) “Out at a bar, coding, gaming or hanging out with friends.”
Analysis: How could he forget to mention his ninja training regimen?
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Grass, cash, or ass?: (The most private thing I’m willing to admit) “Tit for tat. I’ll go as far as you will.”
Analysis: Textual ambiguity — how I love thee. Let me count the ways. Is he saying:
No, but I do have this Wii controller lodged in my nose, and I’m not really sure how it got there: (You should message me if) “You don’t have a stick up your ass. I’m easy going, not into games or snobs.”
Analysis: The word “game” or a variation appears six(!!) times in his profile prior to his “you should message me if” answer, and he has the audacity to claim that he isn’t into games? FOHWTBS, son. And if that’s not irony enough, he says he doesn’t like people who have sticks up their asses — a snobby thing to announce on a dating site, whether it’s true or not — only to follow that up by saying he’s not into snobs, either. You can’t have your cake and eat mine, too, Clit Ninja!
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Final thoughts: It’s okay for people to be politically conservative. It’s okay for people to spend all their time coding and playing video games. It’s not okay for a grown man to go onto an internet dating website, call himself the ClitNinja, and declare ebooks to be his favorite reading material. Avoid this man at all costs.
I love you all, but I never post in my main blog (“Untitled”), and thus following me will do little to brighten your day.
All my stuff worth reading is on Inspecting Cupid. Follow that and ye shall be rewarded with great laughs and informative analysis.
Apologies for the confusion and inconvenience!
The pictures: 
What this means: If a person doesn’t post a picture in which they are smiling, it’s because when they do smile they look like a constipated gargoyle. FACT.
Explanation: We can all agree that the guy on the left is hot, creepy anonymity-protecting stripe notwithstanding. We can also all agree that the guy on the right has a smile that looks like the chapped lips of a pumpkin’s ass (you know, if pumpkins had asses). And it’s clear by now that the guy on the left is the same person as the guy on the right. And that’s a tragedy.
I’ve been burnt by way too many girls who don’t show their teeth in their profile pictures. I even once went on a date with a girl whose only picture showed her at work, sitting in her office chair, her entire mouth covered by a coffee cup. I should have known that she was not, in fact, hiding her identity. She was hiding a weak chin and a pair of incisors that could, by themselves, keep an entire orthodonic practice in business for at least seven years.
The picture:
What this means: I’m locking my doors tonight.
Explanation: If I didn’t think it would result in a stream of TLDRs, I’d post this guy’s 2,200-plus-word profile in its entirety. It reminds me somewhat of the movie “Forrest Gump” — the individual details are all relatively normal (e.g. “Kinky pirate ball,” “why isn’t cat spelled with a ‘K’?” and “I’m a double Y chromosome”), the
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